Avi Muchnick

"My name in large, bold font."

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Replying to spam


Earlier today I got this polite, but spammy note… which represents the umpteenth time I have been cold emailed by various individuals from this company. 

Avi,

My name is Tom H———— from COMPANY and this is an unexpected note. Thanks in advance for the time and consideration.

COMPANY understands that there are 3 undeniable trends online businesses like yours are looking to take advantage of: 

1. More and more content is moving online, thus end users have a broadcast quality expectation whereby revenue dollars are aligned to their experience

2. There is explosive growth in web enabled mobile devices and in mobile content consumption. Reports show more smart phones will ship worldwide in 2011 than laptops and PCs combined

3. Gartner states most companies are leveraging about 10% of the computing resources available them via their own infrastructure (owned and managed infrastructure is not optimized). Therefore there is huge movement to cloud infrastructure so you pay for what you use and nothing more, further lowering CapEx costs and costs surrounding the management of infrastructure.

COMPANY helps its clients solve the challenges mentioned above and many more. I was hoping to gain some insight into whom within your organization would be best to discuss this with. I am equipped to discuss with various stakeholders within your organization if need be. Marketing, IT, business development, etc. Can you point me in the right direction?

Regards,
Tom

Tom H————
COMPANY


I was in a snarky mood and replied:


Tom,

My name is Avi Muchnick and this is an unexpected reply. Thanks in advance for the time and consideration.

Avi Muchnick understands that there are 3 undeniable trends in sending unsolicited emails that businesses like yours are looking to take advantage of:

1. Provide a polite but carefully worded apology in the initial introduction, thereby acknowledging the awkwardness of the intrusion and humanizing the interaction to combat said awkwardness.

2. Immediately follow up on the introduction by providing a numbered list of no more than 3 examples, as people’s attention spans are short and providing a modicum of organization that the eye can gravitate towards will gain their respect.

3. Reference an unverifiable quote from a semi-famous and trustworthy source, thereby following up on your humanization and organization with some tacit data that makes the reader more likely to believe your sales pitch (which will follow the numbered list, of course).  For example, did you know that Abraham Lincoln said that 90% of the quotations on the Internet are made up?

Finally, introduce your sales pitch! Did you know that 100% of Avi Muchnicks on the Internet don’t appreciate receiving cold calls from telemarketers or template emails? Avi Muchnicks are best equipped to use email to reply to actual communications from trusted members of their network. On the off-chance that Avi Muchnick wasn’t the best target recipient of your sales pitch, you can now leverage your temporary established bond to request a warm introduction to a fellow member of his organization.

Regards,
Avi

Avi Muchnick

Follow me >
 http://twitter.com/avimuchnick


And then he apologized and now I feel bad. But only a little.